During the mythopoetic men’s movement of the 1980s, many men had a chance to step outside of their socially defined gender roles and experience life without the burden of conforming to masculinity. Many were enlightened due to this, and understood that a lifestyle without toxic masculinity is one that better suited them. This realisation further raised questions about what else made men, men. Since then, the term ‘toxic masculinity’ has been coined to explain the behaviour of toxic males, such as excusing aggressive and rude behaviour, with the excuse that ‘boys will be boys’. In the 21st century, modern society has taken immense steps to combat the systems put in place that enable toxic masculinity. Which really begs the question - do women suffer from this as well? And what is the difference between toxic masculinity and femininity?
First, it's important to identify the parties that are present in this discussion, the first of course, being the average woman and average man. To characterise women, one must first look at the previously defined stereotypes. The ‘ideal woman’ is typically characterised by the patriarchy to be subservient, quiet, emotional, and of course above all, beautiful. The ‘ideal male’ is typically characterised as aggressive, independent, physically strong and proud. To see more about these traits, please refer to figure one
Furthermore, another important actor in this debate is the patriarchy. It is a socioeconomic system in which men primarily dominate and hold roles of power. They aim to preserve historically prevalent circumstances of women fulfilling more household responsibilities such as motherhood and housewifery and having a more nurturing personality while facilitating and enabling male violence and misogyny. The patriarchy may not be a tangible structure, but any misogynistic male belongs to it, as it's more of an ideology. But the patriarchy benefits all men, regardless of whether they exhibit toxic traits. It’s provided a foundation in which men are able to succeed in comparison to women, so in a sense it's almost like every male is part of the patriarchy. Though they as individuals may not be actively putting down women for their own personal gain, they are part of a system which has negatively impacted women for so long.
The problem with toxic masculinity is that it is heavily ingrained into mainstream society and there was initially little discourse surrounding it. Toxic masculinity refers to when men exhibit traits that allow them to have the most power in a given space. It's worth noting that the exact traits may change in a given context. For example, on a football team it would be the physically strongest and toughest man on the team, whereas in a maths classroom it may be the man who is most knowledgeable and assertive about the subject. However, it doesn’t just stop there - being the smartest doesn’t necessarily mean that you exhibit traits of toxic masculinity. However, if you were to put others down for not possessing the same amount of knowledge as you, and specifically targeting women would count as toxic masculinity.
Moreover, toxic masculinity has significant effects on men who don’t necessarily conform to the ideals presented. This can clearly be seen with gender non-conforming and non cishet. They are often used as the ‘butt of the joke’ which terms such as ‘gay’ being used as insults. This is because men view them as similar to women because they aren’t the same as men. When this is actually completely untrue, as there aren’t necessarily only two categories to fit into. In actuality, personalities are not actually split up by gender, but rather specific traits that are shown on a spectrum. The issue with toxic masculinity is that they view things in a very two dimensional, black and white way. Either you’re a man, or not a man.
However, toxic femininity rests upon the basis that women should conform to feminine ideals, for example investing a significant amount in looks and beauty, being subservient towards men and sexual attractiveness that privileges thinness. One thing that is clearly evident is that the standards for women to conform to were indeed set by the patriarchy, not necessarily by other women. However, they are clearly perpetuated and enforced by women in addition to men, which means that it is just as bad and prevalent in our society. However, the debate about what exactly toxic femininity is, still goes on today. It is clearly emphasised when looking at intersectionality and the race and class and beauty divide between different women.
For example, the negative implications of toxic femininity are most felt by people of colour, as they may not conform to the western beauty standard of femininity. Furthermore, women of colour (WOC) feel like they have to over-perform to fit the definition of western femininity. In many cultures and religions, the way that people expect women to act wildly differs from European centric ideals. However, it is when these WOC have to interact/live in western countries that they are suddenly introduced to a new standard. Many WOC are then alienated, because they don’t necessarily fit the western definition of beauty and femininity.
This movement about breaking out of gender roles first gained traction in the early 2000s, where the media then went on to encourage women to become more like a ‘tomboy’ and do more socially defined masculine things. Whilst this did encourage women to adopt hobbies and practices that were not initially socially acceptable, it actually further weaponized femininity. Whilst the term ‘girly’ was used towards males before, it was now used as an insult to girls as well as boys. Imagine that, being called girly, when you’re a girl. Phrases like, ‘you run like a girl’ were popularised, trying to show how ‘running like a girl’ essentially meant running slowly and with bad form. This divide forced people to fall into the ‘tomboy’ category or the ‘girly girl’ category, each one being pit against the other.
Such movies such as ‘Mean Girls’ villanised femininity, painting women to people that are overtly sexual and spiteful, and would do anything for a man’s approval. Furthermore, ‘pick me’ culture then emerged. The argument behind pick me culture is that women will attempt to adopt more masculine traits in order to appeal to men, as well as putting down and distancing themselves from other girls. The concept of male pick me culture was introduced in late 2019 as well, where certain men acted like ‘respecting women’ made them special. A lot men claimed that they were special for never raping women, when basic human decency should actually be considered part of the status quo.
So what are the differences between them? Well, toxic femininity interacts a lot more with intersectionality, as there is a beauty ideal that was made to favour sexuality, thinness and European beauty standards. Furthermore, it has quite a lot to do with social standing and class, as those who are low income and people of colour suffer more at the hands of toxic femininity. It’s simply an extension of what toxic masculinity is, as it caters to the ‘strong’ and stereotypical male.
But what are the similarities between the two? It’s clear that both need immediate attention, and it's unfortunate that toxic femininity in particular lacks proper media coverage. Both are harmful to the average person, because there shouldn’t be a predetermined set of traits that decide whether or not you’re ‘manly’ or ‘girly’ enough.
But why should you care about this? In this day and age, gender roles are rapidly changing and are extremely different to what they were even 10 years ago. People still may contain unconscious biases, which though may not be intentional, can still gravely affect and hurt people.
So what can you do about this? Thinking about how much you judge other people and being conscious and aware of why you form the opinions you do is a great first step. Everybody has inherent biases, and it’s crucial that we critically address them. Correcting yourself, and educating yourself through the reading of articles and news stories may also do this. Some further reading can be done on the Healthline website and also Forbes.
Figure 1
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