Shades

white

Eyes closed, she outstretched her arms and reached for nothing and no one in particular. She took in a deep breath, and with it, her surroundings. She had never felt the piercing cold of the winter air against her bare skin. Snow, such a delicate yet painful sensation. The individual pricking of the beautiful snowflakes as they melted upon contact. Crystallizations in every pattern one could imagine, the symmetry infallible. Though the burning hadn’t stopped, she felt a numbness coursing through her body. Numb. It’s a funny word; deprivation of a physical sensation. She was numb. Yet there were nails in her legs, pinning her down. She couldn’t leave, she didn’t want to. She felt the urge to bellow out a laugh. Releasing this pent up tension she had been feeling. With a deep breath, she layed back, engulfing herself in the glistening white.

black

The black abyss. Her mind was swirling with thoughts of everything and nothing. Pain, love, laughter, sadness. It all felt the same. She was not alone, yet she felt lonely. Time seemed to pass without realization. Now, in this moment, and in large chunks. Leaves turned yellow in the slow descent to brown. They fell swiftly, unwavering, in large chunks. The ground turned white and slowly began to disappear. Life was a blur and she couldn’t separate memory from dream. She felt nothing. She didn’t care what she was missing, because she just felt numb. Numb; deprive of feeling or responsiveness. She had lost her senses. She couldn’t even remember why she was here.

gray

If someone had asked her what color she was, she would say gray. The color of the sky on a rainy day. Gray felt forgotten, unwanted. Mucky. Nothing good was ever associated with gray. Gray meant indecision, it was a muddle of the two most distinct shades. She was a muddle of everything. Her head racing from the constant thoughts. Swirling through her mind like a tornado. Her joints, weak from lack of doing things. Everything was a chore to her, and likewise, she believed that she was a chore to the world. Going through the days like a zombie, time passing, not feeling. It was better to not feel anything as long as she didn’t have to feel her pain. She missed the person she used to be; white, black, not gray. Red, purple, green, yellow, blue. Just not gray.